The uglier you are, the hotter the chick you will bag

Solo Clubber heard a really annoying statistic on the radio the other day. I don't remember where I was driving in my car, maybe I was stuck at some lame traffic light in Culver City or gridlock traffic on the 405 freeway, but on the radio they were talking about some statistics concerning marriages, and which ones are successful. Obviously, with divorce rates being what they are these days, the chances that any given marriage will last are about equal to the chances of Solo Clubber ever having sex with Fergie, but believe it or not. some last.

According to this statistic, the most successful couples are the ones in which the chick is hotter than the dude. In other words, the chick might be a 9 and the dude might be a 5 in the looks department, and these couples have the highest survival rates. The rationale for this is that men go for looks, while chicks are more emotion-driven. All the guy cares about is that his chick stays hot, and he will support her in any way possible (money, adulation, pedastal-placing, etc) to keep her happy. And the harlot will be happy, because all girls really want is money, adulation, and being put on a pedastal. That and a guy whose fish can swim. Just remember this next time you see a really hot chick with some douche who looks like God shit on his face. She's probably happier with him than she ever would be with you!

Getting noticed...the first step to getting laid!

It goes without saying that wardrobe is very important to Solo Clubber, as it really should be to any aspiring soloclubber who is attempting to have sex that he doesn't deserve. And I don't just mean in clubbing environments, either. It's not like you only have to look good on Friday and Saturday night, there's no law that says you can't go crazy at the workplace either. Though not advisable, workplace hookups can be pleasurable for short periods of time. Until she starts IM'ing and texting you every two seconds and trying to have lunch with you all of the time to the point that your boss runs into you two half-naked in the mailroom sheathing a saber in her munchbox. Not that that ever happens.

Now, you'd think SC has an advantage of sorts in that he live in the LA area so he can't help but be apprised of the various fashion trends since it is a fashionable place. But of course he pays no attention to them and basically buys all of his own clothes on ebay.

Tracing the evolution of SC's wardrobe is an interesting thing, because like Michael Jackson's career, it has gone through many phases, and again like Jackson's career, most of them have been weird and ill-advised. If we are going to be chronological about it, it has probably gone in reverse order of his career, with the worst starting at first and then gradually getting slightly better step by step until finally achieving of level of -- I can't quite say respectability -- less mediocre attire.

Now the first rule of Soloclubber is if you own a polo shirt, trash it. Ditto anything khaki, it might work on the golf course but for crissakes, it's kryptonite to getting laid. Tucked in shirts, flipped up collars, sneakers, skechers...wear these and you might as well strap a stick of dynamite on your cock, because you won't be needing it.

Unfortunately it took me eons to discover this. I am a slow learner. It took me an eternity to learn not only which clothes were cool, but also which clothes will GET YOU NOTICED. And not noticed for being a douche, but noticed for actually having a nano-molecule of a clue.

I think the first thing I learned was how bad J. Crew/Abercrombie stuff is at clubs. I mean, it's great at an Alpha Douche Kappa party -- or if you're a young buck at an nighttime enclave populated by cougars -- but won't cut it in the slimy grimy unforgiving trenches of clubs where it takes more to get laid then an argyle sweater.

I think I started with cheezy Structure sweaters and the mentioned J. Crew stuff, and started making my way up to button-down short-sleeved Positano and Kenneth Cole shirts. Actually, my mistake, if we're really talking the real beginning, I was going to anchor blue and buying $30 shiny button down shirts. That was my "shock and awe" period. If you can't blind them with your looks, blind them with your shirt, was the thought. I had some shiny ones.

I had some success with these but I think that was because it was by pre-SC days -- I was in my mid-twenties hooking up with older chicks and wasn't as battle- and alcohol-ravaged then as I am now. Following that, I made a short-lived ill-advised sojourn into long-sleeved banana republic crap and upscale kenneth cole shirts that cost like $100 each. What a waste of money that was.

That stage only lasted about 6 months before I discovered the H Hilfiger label of shirts in '04. This style was a step above anything I had worn previously in that it added a hint of flair to the proceedings with cuffs with different fabrics, high collars and overall eye-catching accoutrements. It was a more professional garment that made me look a more refined than I was. It gave the impression I was a man of means, if you will. And that opened my eyes to the Robert Graham line, which is what I have cast my lot with for the last 3+ years.

Now, if you disregard everything Solo Clubber swears to...you are probably smart. However, if you deign to listen and abide by one of my musings, this would be the one to honor. You simply cannot go wrong with a RG shirt...quite simply, they get you noticed. And getting noticed is the first step to getting laid!

Of course, they also make chicks ask you if you're gay, which is girlspeak for: "You're shirt is so hot, you have to be gay! Either that, or your girlfriend picked it out for you." Either way, contact is made. Mission accomplished!