WHO THE HELL CLUBS SOLO?!

Okay, so if this Diablo Cody chick can strip in Minnesota for a year, lap dance on some dirtbags, write a blog about it and get famous, anybody can do it, right?

I don't know what I'm going to do with "Confessions of a solo clubber." I don't think there is much of an audience for this, I mean, stripping is so much more glamorous than solo clubbing, which entails pretty much exactly what you would imagine.

Clubbing. Solo.

Clearly I am some kind of masochist to subject myself to such a thing. Yes, but once you start doing something you know you probably shouldn't be doing, and do it for a long time -- perhaps longer than anybody else in the history of that thing -- well, it still sucks. But in some ways it becomes much more than just that thing.

I would say since approximately 2002 I have been going out to dance clubs and bars (mostly clubs) pretty much every single friday and saturday night. That's about six years of going out 100+ times a year. And most of that has been alone, without wingmen, or wingwomen for that matter.

It's not quite as impressive as Cal Ripken's consecutive-game run, but it is a streak of sorts that probably maybe possibly is one of the top such streaks of all-time.

Now to be fair I do occasionally take respites from the drudgery of going out. Maybe one Friday or Saturday a month I'm tired or just want to watch TV so I say "fuck it" and stay home. Any maybe one other time that month I go out with friend(s), since even the king of loners has to venture out with compadres occasionally. But for the most part, every Friday and Saturday night, I'm hitting the dance clubs, loading up on the liquid courage, and trying to pick up on chicks by myself.

Though I have to confess that "pick up" is probably the wrong description. Because "pick up" is a verb that generally describes a guy or gal actively seeking to engage the opposite sex with the implicit goal of going home with them and having a sexual encounter. I'm not sure that is necessarily an accurate description for me though, at least all of the time. Because the truth is I go out some nights and though I might be in a mega dance club with 1500 people, I might go the whole night without conversing with anybody at all. I don't think linguists would necessarily call that picking up. Of course, other nights I might go out and engage several chicks in conversation to no avail. And then even other nights I might talk to a girl, dance with her all night long, go with her back to her apartment and then have her hand me $10 so I can hail a cab and leave (true story).

The failures are too frequent to count. As a matter of fact, if I were a baseball player, it would amount to the worst batting average of all time. Even worse than Luis Mendoza of the infamous sub-.200 batting average.

However, the difference is if Mendoza had played as many games as the aforementioned Ripken, no matter how shitty his average, he still would have gotten some hits with all of those at-bats. Bloop singles, seeing-eye grounders, weird bad-hop shots...even the worst hitters get their hits. And that's what happens to me. Yeah, 95% of the time a come home at 4am empty handed (correction: with dick in my hand). But when you go out approximately 100 times a year, that still means having sex with 5 girls annually. Not too good and average in baseball. But you know what, in life, guys that are not famous or cool will take 5 girls a year.

So I don't exactly know what this blog will become yet. It probably will start by being a blow-by-blow account of my weekly shenanigans of going out on Fridays and Saturdays. What works, what doesn't work, what should work but doesn't, what shouldn't work but does, and what happens sometimes without explanation regardless of whether you even trying to make something work.

This could be an interesting blog that I will look back at years from now in amusement. Or I might quit it in a week.