The Lost Art of the Booty Call

Well this report was supposed to be about all of the shenanigans and adventures of my New Year's in Vegas.

But the outcomes of said adventures were pretty much the same as my last report.

So instead of rehashing my failures (especially since they are so recent and the wounds cut so deep), I'm going to address that utter necessity tucked in the back pocket of battle-ravaged Solo Clubber, the one thing that has prevented him from slitting his wrists after lo all these many years of coming home Hand Solo at 3am on a Saturday night.

Namely, the booty call (hereafter referred to as BC for short).

As previously mentioned, Solo Clubber goes out approximately 100 times a year and has a batting average of .050. Pretty shitty ratio, I know. However, meeting chicks 5% of the time can mean sex more than 5% of the time.

That math doesn't make much sense unless you consider that solo clubber is still having BC sex with chicks he picked up 5 years ago. Well, that's actually an exaggeration of sorts, because the 5-year-BC girl I'm talking about stopped returning my calls recently. But we did have close to a 1-year gap earlier in which it was on life support, only to be miraculously revived out of nowhere later, so rekindling can happen again.

Now in many ways it's extremely pathetic to still be having no-strings attached sex with an average looking girl I met in 2002. But when it's late at night, you're alcohol ravaged and have a near-expired condom burning a hole in your wallet, there are worse options.

Now I am an expert on few things other than solo clubbing, and even my experience there is iffy. But I have had some spotty success with the BC; beside the on-and-off five year girl, I've managed to keep two others going strong for around two years now. Ironically, that is longer than the shelf-life of many healthy relationships I've seen.

Having been relatively consistent in the way I deal with all three of these girls, I have learned a few basic ground rules on how to keep these charades going.

HUGE CAVEAT: Please note that the chances of developing and nurturing a booty call with a particular girl are inversely proportional to how hot she is. That is to say, the hotter she is, the less chance you have of establishing a BC with her, and even if you can, the odds of it being short-lived are great.

The reason for this is of course because hot harlots are seldom single and when they are they are seldom looking for BC's. They can easily snatch up another boyfriend by going to any bar or club in town, and giving her number away to 10 douches who would much rather take a girl to dinner and cater to her every whim than have completely free on-demand sex.

So unless you resemble Lenny Kravitz or are hung like Peter North (and if you are, these blog is completely irrelevant to you) you will find it is much easier to establish a BC with the *ahem* homelier chicks. Not necessarily 1's and 2's, but 4's and 5's. Or be like Solo Clubber, strap on some goggles and a snorkel and dive into those 1's and 2's.

Here are the five keys to establishing and nurturing the booty call:

1) Do not -- I repeat, do not -- go on a date with her, ever. This is kryptonite to any good booty call because she'll either expect a relationship or get tired of your ass in no time.

2) Only call if it's a Friday or Saturday night and it's 2am or later after a night of clubbing. This will imply that you're drunk and not looking for anything else other than sex. No pretense.

3) Never see her more than twice a month, tops. This should be obvious. Otherwise she'll get tired of you, natch.

4) Call once and if it goes to voicemail, hang up. Do not leave a message. Chicks have caller ID nowadays, so if she doesn't pick up she's either asleep, busy or not interested in your dick. And don't call more than once a night, you psychos.

5) If she calls you, let it go to voicemail and wait a bit before you call her. That will make her think that you might be with another chick which will make her HOT for you. Remain elusive, chicks dig challenge and (seemingly) in-demand guys. In reality you might be at home pinching a loaf, I don't care, create the illusion.

There are probably more end-all be-all rules but this is all Solo Clubber could come up with in five minutes. Good guidelines nonetheless.

Contrary to popular belief, chicks can be just as horny as guys are--It's just not as socially acceptable for them to engage in booty calls for fear of being called a sluts. But in their heart of hearts, in the darkest recesses of their sick, tormented minds...they want it. They want to be ravaged fetal-deep style for their bodies and to hell with having an IQ. As long as none of their friends find out about it, of course.

I have a bunch more points to make about this, like which chicks are most willing to do this (chicks over 30 and divorced are primo) but I'm going to sleep on it a little more.

SC out.